


Socially Distanced Human Centipede

by StupidStory



Category: The Human Centipede (Movies)
Genre: chin diapers, pandemic special
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:00:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26867794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StupidStory/pseuds/StupidStory
Summary: Heiter finds a workaround to making a human centipede that doesn't violate the CDC guidelines.
Kudos: 5





	Socially Distanced Human Centipede

Dr. Heiter, despite being a doctor, had never interacted with any patients infected with COVID-19. That wasn't his specialty. His specialty was sewing people ass to mouth to form a single digestive tract. It was his dream. However, there was one major hurdle he had to overcome: according to the CDC guidelines, all three links of the human chain had to wear facemasks, and they also had to stay six feet apart so they don't catch COVID, and as far as he knew, there was no way any two people could be sewn ass to mouth and still be six feet apart. So, no human centipede, right? Fanfic over, right? Ha ha ha, you wish!  
Heiter wasn't gonna give up that easily. He heard the doorbell to his clinic ring and promptly answered the door to see three people, two young American girls and some Japanese guy. They each held a single pizza box in between them.  
“Hello? Pizza delivery for... Mike Hunt. Aww, CRUD!”  
“Oh hey guys. Does this napkin smell like a butt to you?” He asked. Curious about whether or not the napkin smelled like a butt, the three people sniffed it and immediately fell to the floor unconscious.  
Heiter then transported them to an operation theater. He had finally found a workaround to his predicament. He put facemasks on them but slid them under their faces so they were now chin diapers. He also had two 6 foot long plastic tubes that were just wide enough for a turd to pass through that he was planing to sew to the person in front's butthole and sew the other end to the mouth of the person behind. Happy that he created a centipede that won't catch the rona, he did a celebratory dance.  
When the centipede woke up, it was horrified and confused. If the individual links could actually talk, they'd probably say something like “why am I sewn to a 6 foot plastic tube behind someone else?” or “why is there a tube sewn to my butthole?” and at the same time probably also thankful that they won't get COVID from one another since they were 6 feet apart and wearing chin diapers.  
“My pet!” Heiter said affectionately. “You must be hungry. Here is the pizza that you tried to deliver to me.”  
“Sorry people behind me. I tried to resist but pizza too derricious.” The Japanese man wolfed down the burrito. “Oh shit. Since I ate that means I'm eventually going to shit!” The person behind him was not looking forward to a few hours from now.  
“I am not looking forward to a few hours from now,” she mumbled. “His poo will travel from his butthole 6 feet down the tube and then into my mouth. But I am thankful that we're taking proper precautions against COVID since we're wearing masks and are 6 feet apart.” I don't feel like describing the poo eating, but take my word for it that it happens sometimes.  
Heiter wanted to go to the amusement park. He chained the front of his car to each link of the centipede, and then got in and cracked a whip. The centipede was going to pull the car with him in it.  
“Faster dammit! If you don't pick up the pace I'll find a third tube to connect the ching chong guy's mouth to the cracker's butthole.” This motivated them to pick up the pace.  
“Stay here until I get back.” Heiter got out of his car and entered the theme park, which featured a 500 foot tall roller coaster with 37 inversions. The centipede was absolutely jealous that he's going to a theme park and they're not.  
9 hours later he finally got back. “Okay, take me back home,” he demanded. The centipede begrudgingly obliged. While it was pulling him home, Heiter was gushing about how awesome the rides at the theme park were, particularly the 500 foot tall roller coaster.  
“Whosa good boy? Here's a treat!” Heiter gave the Japanese guy some Pocky. The Japanese guy almost took it, then said “NO” flatly.  
“Excuse me?” Heiter's look was angry enough to scare Chuck Norris.  
Since the humans in the chain were wearing those blue and white disposable masks, then surely they must be fragile. The Japanese guy rubbed his face against a wall in such a way that the mask's ear loops would go over his ear and eventually fall to the ground. The other links in the centipede followed suit.  
“Stop this right now! Put your masks back on! Do you wanna get COVID?!” Heiter ordered.  
"Screw these masks! I don't care if we get COVID. We're gonna shut you down!" Just then a knock was at his door. Heiter's stomach plummeted when he saw who it was.  
“I just received a report that the people in this establishment are not wearing masks, so you're going to be shut down.”  
“NOOOO!” Heiter shouted toward the sky. “My human centipede making business is ruined!” He pet his human centipede to decrease his blood pressure, and the centipede's blood pressure was also reduced from the feeling of Heiter petting it.


End file.
